A Meeting of Minds

Have you ever come face to face with part of your nature that you aren’t friends with?  When that happens how do you respond? It’s uncomfortable coming to grips with your ugly.  One of my uglies is that I’m a big scaredy-cat, though I didn’t acknowledge it for a really long time.  But if there is something I’ve learned recently it’s that it’s better to face my inner demons head on instead of the alternative.  So let’s come to a meeting of minds shall we?

Fear.  

It’s the thing that keeps us stuck.  It threatens our every step and tells us the next one will be our last.

But is it really? Will it be your last?

I wrestle a lot with that question and how it applies to the nature of my work which some might label “dark and twisty”. Labels like that come with negative connotations and I think my work is anything but.  So while I’m not really a fan, I am coming to terms with it. In my work, I aim to expose the human condition, and in this particular image “fear”, but why? So we can sit and stare at it? Maybe poke it with a stick? Just to clarify, I’m not talking about the kind of fear that saves you from tumbling over the edge of a cliff or that keeps you from getting in the white van with the dude that just offered you a puppy.  I’m talking about the fear that keeps you from stepping out of your comfort zone to do what you were created for. That’s the one. He puts on a convincing act of intimidation, but behind all the fanfare, he is actually a small duplicitous mind with a cunning manner.

Fear is a liar.

Here’s the deal.  Everytime I create or write something really vulnerable, fear starts talking.  He makes a very convincing case that this will be the one that crosses the line.  

“You’ve gone too far this time.”

“They’ll surely reject you, turn back!”

“No one needs to see this.  You’re the only one who wrestles with that”

“Don’t embarrass yourself”

...and too many other lies to tell.

He actually makes my room spin sideways ever time I click the submit button.  Errrytime.

Each time I post, I have to sit back and find my breath again. It feels like staring down the barrel of a gun in a game of roulette and praying this won’t be the one that fires. His intimidation game is strong, but it turns out that when you force him into the light of day, you get a clearer look at what you’re dealing with.  And when you get to the thing that’s behind him...well, guess what? It’s magical.

Here’s the truth...when others reciprocate my story it’s confirmation.  It’s proof that you and I in this together, though fear would tell you otherwise.  But this year has been all about finding the courage to walk in freedom. Freedom to explore the deep place, bring light to the dark place, and connect with the people I find along the way.  It’s about embracing the imperfect and how it relates to my faith, seeking truth in the hard questions, and doing it scared. Each piece I create represents a little part of my story and perhaps reflects a part of yours. Don’t run from it. Make a choice to face the ugly part of your nature and call a meeting for the purpose of a break up. Stare it down. Push back. Because just on the other side is freedom to fulfill the thing you were made for. And it is magical!  

-Lauren

3 Steps for Harnessing Inspiration in Your Creative Process

“I always get where I am going, by walking away from where I’ve been”

— Pooh

When I was growing up, my childhood bestie (and best friend of nearly 30 years) had an infatuation with Winnie the Pooh that I could never fully understand.  In middle school, she carried a Pooh-themed diaper bag as a purse, because that’s what you do when you’re just dipping your toes into your own individuality--and she wore it proudly.  I always admired her conviction of things. But as it was, you might say that my older influences had me prematurely “outgrow” anything that might have been considered “juvenile” in order to avoid any consequential heckling from my two, older, rough and tumble brothers.  But time is a funny thing, and as it would have it, even things you once couldn’t understand can become nostalgic when given enough of it.

When the movie “Christopher Robin” came out, I immediately thought of my sweet friend.  Though, to my greatest surprise I found it impacted and inspired me on so many levels, that I wonder how this was so sorely bypassed in my youth! I mean, how did I not see Pooh’s wisdom?  I suppose my gray hairs have lent me the ability to hear the profound intertwined with the simple, because some of the quotes brought my whole house of cards tumbling down... and those are the moments when I know a new image is being birthed.  A lot of what I create comes very simply from the shaking--the moments that God brings the cards down and clears my line of sight. It’s the pain and discomfort of the labor that births forth a beautiful story to tell. This is how I cultivate my creative process. These are my 3 steps to harnessing inspiration in your creative process and photography:

Step 1:  Recognizing your houses of cards.

Now, you may be thinking I’m nuts. It’s all good--I’m learning to own it.  But hear me out. We’ve all developed little houses of cards--and by that, I mean fragile little ways of thinking that aren’t built from solid wholehearted thought patterns. Nope.  These fragile structures are toxic ways of thinking that are built on lies or false beliefs that come about often because of pain or disappointment. Most of the time, we don’t know they are there until the truth begins to shake underneath them.  You’ve felt it. It feels like resonance; waves of truth that amplify and reverberate deep within your soul when you hear them. Learn to be sensitive to those.

Step 2:  Let the cards fall.

So many people are scared or even paralyzed when the cards fall, because where do you go from there?  But I’m here to tell you, let them fall! Let every last wrong way of thinking come down. Sure it’s unsettling and I am no stranger to it.  But when that big fragile structure is leveled...you’ve just cleared your line of sight. You now have a new foundation from which to build truth upon.  You take that wrong way of thinking, identify what the truth is, and now you have a story to tell.

Step 3:  Tell the story

Now that you’ve identified your shifty house, weathered the storm, and endured the discomfort of the cards falling...now you begin to tell your story.  This is where the magic happens. This is where I begin to think of ways that I can symbolically represent a chapter of my story in a single image. What elements or props could you use to represent your chosen them? What body position, colors, or lack thereof would set the tone for the story you are telling?  Think about ways that you can intertwine literal interpretations with symbolic ones. But tell your story.

In this piece, I wanted to show the sense of vulnerability, joy and melancholy of waiting for dreams to come to pass.  I used the balloons to represent my many dreams, the color red to provoke a sense of strength in vulnerability and my daughter’s bear to represent my choice to approach my journey with child-like faith as I wait for my dreams to come to pass.

As I watched Christopher Robin, several parts struck me in profound ways, but among them is a part when Christopher Robin is trying to send Pooh back to the 100 acre wood in an attempt to protect his own house of cards per-sey.  We all do it. It is only natural to act in self preservation when we feel the shaking. But embrace it. And as pooh steps into the doorway he is met by his disappointment of being sent away and having to face his journey potentially alone.  Instead of walking away from those hard feelings, he embraces them, stops and waits. When Christopher Robin asks, “Pooh what are you doing”. Pooh responds, “ Sometimes when I’m going somewhere, I wait. And then a somewhere comes to me.” This is the moment when Christopher Robin chooses to embrace the shaking and let his cards fall. Upon entering the 100 acre wood, in the quest to find Pooh’s friends, they must overcome the fear of being lost--the same feeling we feel when our expectations have been leveled. Instead of becoming paralyzed in this place, they both choose to move through it, when Pooh offers this invitation...

“I always get where I am going, by walking away from where I’ve been”

— Pooh

Baggage: When Did Art Leave the Church?

This last weekend I drove to Mckinney TX both to celebrate the accomplishment and fresh dream of my best friend of nearly 30 years, as well as to be a part of an international gathering of women celebrating their faith in what we know as the IF:gathering.  It was a first for me on many levels, but it was an experience I will never forget! As I drove 3 hours home, tired as i was, I had plenty of time to process and unpack it all. Truly, I think there are more blog posts than I have head space to write at this point.  Also, I tried to get up before the whole house was awake to write this, only to have tiny toes follow me for some fortnite--insert eyeroll.

At any rate, last weekend’s talks sparked several conversations in my heart:

When did art leave the church?  And what is the point of church at all?

Yes, you read that right.  I’m questioning the purpose of the American Church.  

Now depending on what camp you fall in,  I will have lost or gained many of you based on that last sentence, but if I may implore you to make it to the end...I sincerely think it may be worth your time. This is not really intended to be a faith-based blog, though I am a faith-based person, so obviously faith is going to be something I unpack from time to time

I remember when I was just a girl going to junior high church camps and spending my spring breaks doing missions in impoverished parts of mexico, always hearing statistics spouted about the “mass exodus” of young people in the church.  I heard these stats echoed all the way through my days in campus ministry at Texas Tech. But if I’m honest, I never thought too much about it, mostly because church had always been filled with fun and friends. I couldn’t understand what would cause people to want to walk away.

Fast forward about 15 years and I can confidently say that I get it now!  

Why?  Because the last couple of years, I’ve questioned the concept of what we recognize as the “American Church”. <insert record skipping>.

Go ahead, read that again.  I’ll wait…

This may seem a little out of left field since I am a conceptual fine art photographer, so let me offer you some background before we begin unpacking this heavy suitcase.  I am what you could call “ well-churched” I’ve basically been a church-goer my whole life. I made a choice to follow Jesus as a very little girl. Sure, there are many gaps in my life where my devotion to my faith was questionable at best, but in my heart of hearts, I meant it. At any rate, Church is the place I found some of my deepest friendships--BUT--and it’s a big one-- it’s also where I experienced some of my deepest pain and biggest rejections. You see, church is supposed to be this safe space to go to when your broken.  It’s supposed to be a place where you can be your most vulnerable and find healing. It’s a place that should carry the weight of who you are with ease. That is what Jesus offers us isn’t it? But if that is what the church is, why was there a mass exodus of young people? Why are more and more people, including myself, questioning whether the American church is worth investing time in?

The churches that I have tried to get connected to, seem to not have a room for me--the person from out of town--the non-college student--the girl who makes weird art.

And now we’re getting to the fun part, yeah?  Relax. I’m only likely to ruffle a few feathers ;)

I don’t know about your church, but the last 5 years of my church-going experience, have made me question everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.

This.  This is where I begin to sort through this baggage. And I sincerely hope you’ll stick around for it.

5 years ago, the weatherman and I packed up and moved to the place we’d dreamed of for 11 years...

5 years ago, we left a brand new spacious 4 bedroom house on a quiet cul-de-sac and some of the best friends we’d ever had...

5 years ago, we left great schools and a great church full of great people to pursue a great dream of ours...

Also 5 years ago...

We landed in a tiny apartment in a unfamiliar place and half our belongings floating in a POD in the sky (as we called it).

In the midst of transition to the dream we’d steadfastly prayed and believed for--something in us broke. Completely. Totally.

We began experiencing crippling and devastating anxiety and depression. The kind that rules your entire life and threatens to strip you of EVERYTHING you know and love.

During all of this, we looked to do what we’d always done; the only thing we knew how to do...find our people (aka find a church).  Find a community of people who would love us through this challenging time and transition. Find a community of people who could support us and walk with us through the darkest days we’d experienced in our entire marriage and maybe ever.

Do you know what we found?  Not that.

It’s no wonder people are leaving the church by the droves if this is how it’s done.

Do I sound angry?-- I am.  It grieves me.

We found a place where people already had their groups of friends.

We found a place where there didn’t appear to be room for us.

We found a place of impatience where coffee and conversation didn’t “fix us”.

Worst of all, we found impotence toward fixing real problems.

The Church did not appear to be able to provide healing counsel and/or support to us.

We found a place where people did not seem particularly interested in the inconvenience and longsuffering of building relationships with new people, but especially new people with baggage-not-easily-unpacked.

Cue the art…

Fast forward a couple of very miserable years and this is where art found me...okay sort of, but that’s a conversation for another day.

In 2015 I picked up a camera, learned how to use it, and started a business--the same way everyone gets into photography these days.

In 2018, my business was failing, I was bored out of my mind, but I had something unrecognizable burning deep within me.

You know the saying, “necessity is the mother of invention”?  I believe necessity lives at the crux of boredom sometimes.

That’s when I started creating ART!

But not just any art...deep art.  The kind that comes from the unspoken place.  The place you forgot about. The places you buried 6ft under and planted fresh flowers over to mask the stench of death and decay.

I didn’t know what or how, but only that I HAD to.

Once I started--I couldn’t stop.  I can’t stop.

And then a funny thing happened--people started watching.  

Suddenly, I had their attention whether I wanted to or not. (Okay, maybe I wanted it--I’m building something here.  Don’t’ judge me)

Suddenly, I had a unique group of people, including some church people, gravitate toward the thing I was creating.  They didn’t seem bothered by it’s raw nature. They weren’t concerned that it screamed at them. Not even bothered that it made them feel things that were uncomfortable to speak of.  

My art was speaking. It had a voice. It is as if it tapped into something people wanted/needed!

Art.  

These people I found myself swimming with, were not the “religious folks”. No, I’m pretty sure I make those folks cringe and I’m okay with that.

These people were willing to look and say “This resonates”.

Resonance.

Art striking a beautiful chord  in the hearts of a people.

My people.

That’s when it hit me--Art creates community!  But not just any community--a community of people in process!  These people, were people willing to acknowledge their brokenness!  These people weren’t afraid to feel.

These people are my people.

I found my people.    

Many of them are artists. Artists of their own mediums.

Do you know what’s great about artists?  They make us think. They’re willing to face real issues--to speak of them in a universal language.  They press our traditional boundaries. They ask the real questions.  They explore and find truth.  Artists are truth seekers, wave-riders, healers.  

Do you remember the story of the tower of babel??? --Artist speak the only language we all understand!

In the last 6 months, I believe God has opened my eyes to see his movement.  I hadn’t noticed it before. I believe there is momentum like never before-- a revival even--do you see it?  

I believe God is raising a generation of artists to create ART.  

Good art speaks...it moves...it makes connection.

It heals.

It’s helps us experience our brokenness and deliver us from it at the same time (I think Brene Brown said that)  

Art puts words to things only the spirit knows.

Art speaks a different language and the way you become fluent is simply by being willing to feel.

People!, I beg you to get this!.

Art draws people...did you hear that? ←-read that again.

And again. And again!

Art draws people.  Literally and Symbolically.

Art Draws people. They are churched.  They are unchurched. They are broken. They are whole. Some of them have deep disdain for the Church as they’ve known it--for many of the same reasons I do, but THESE ARE MY PEOPLE.  They are your people. They are in process. And they show it through incredible works of thought provoking art.

And while we’re here….when and why did the church and the arts break-up anyway?

The early churches were covered wall to wall with frescoes and giant sculptures created by our artistic forefathers.

When was the last time you saw a piece of thought provoking art in a church?

So I wrote all of this crazy long drawn out not meant to be churchy blog post--to say. What if God is bringing a worldwide revival through the arts?  What if He is calling out artists, creators, craftsman and maker’s to be his medium and carry out his work?

What if He is using art  to show Himself in an unprecedented way?  I believe He is. I believe you’ll see it too if you’ll only open your eyes to the movement of what’s going on around you...on instagram..in the media… people leaving their jobs to give way to dreams of creative entrepreneurship!  It’s happening all around us! WAKE UP!

People! Let’s marry the church and art again! I believe this is a beginning revival, but it doesn’t look like we expect it to--guess what--that is art.

I’d pack my bags tomorrow and travel the globe to speak of this if anyone would hear me!!

So as I wrap this up, let me issue these final thoughts.

God is not limited to the confines of our 4 walls or our limited minds.  He will find a people to align with him and do his work whether the American Church will see it or not.   We do not know how many people were invited to follow before Simon and Andrew dropped what they were doing to follow Jesus to learn to fish differently in Mark 1:16-17.  We don’t get to know that. All I know is that I believe Jesus has issued me this invitation to help bring arts back into the church and the church to the arts--it may not look the way you thought it would--but isn’t that the way God works?  

“After all, He is not tame lion, No, but he is good.”

~ The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

2019: The Year of Freedom

Happy New Year all! We’re already at the end of the first month and so I’m a little late —get used to it :). I’ve had it in mind to begin blogging again about my conceptual artwork. A growing number of you have asked to hear more about my work and process. I have been listening! But you should know — sometimes it takes every ounce of spare energy just to create after ubering children and all the other responsibilities I have as a wife and mother of 3; mustering words to accompany my work for a post on the various social media platforms sometimes makes my room turn sideways. And sometimes I create for the very purpose of not having words. With my dream being to have my works displayed in galleries, on book covers , and beyond from coast to coast, it will be vitally important for me to better articulate my heart, my process, and my value for those whom it reaches. So without further introduction, across these virtual pages it is my goal to articulate my personal creative process, to inspire authenticity and vulnerability, personal growth and healing, and hopefully energize your own creativity! Nothing would make me happier than to know that my blood, sweat, and tears inspired someone else to pursue their God-given nature to create art in whatever form that takes—and they are countless as the stars!

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let me give you a brief synopsis of what I pray this new year has in store for me and my family. Without laying my whole life on the table, let me just say that much of 2018 was heavy. It felt something like being tethered to an undefinable weight of sorts. I can’t begin to articulate the number of things adding to that weight, but I can say, that in spite of it all, I could hear the whispered promise of freedom echoing in my heart—a promise that I wrestle to embrace. I identified that echo as my theme for 2019 and I’m excited to say that this piece, which represents that struggle, will be shown at the Paseo Arts Member’s Show tomorrow night (contact me for details!)

At any rate, through the smattering of typos and hurried thoughts (that’s my life y’all) my prayer for this unfolding year was/is that I would learn to navigate what it means to be unbound and fly high without fear of the sun. And with only a loose framework for where I hope these virtual pages will take me, may we embark on this new year sharing our process and connecting on a deeper level—together!

Now if you’ll excuse me…I’m going to go work through this vulnerability crisis I just created for myself.

~Lauren Ashley